Buenas Tardes!
I have been finding answers in the most crazy inspired ways here. I am writing letters to everyone about some of my experiences. Mom, you should read D&C 8:10-11. We watched a devotional from Elder Scott about prayer and how special and sacred it is, and he shared this scripture. It definitely takes practice though. I am far from great at it!
So I don't know if it's been the rain or what, but I have decided I want really classy rain boots instead of winter boots. I guess we will see in NYC though.. Chelsea district here I come! Haha. Anyways, it stopped raining this week and it has been fantastic!! I once again have weird tan lines and my nose is constantly peeling.
This week has already been one of the most stressful already. Unlike most of my district, I am not trunkie. I am excited to leave, but am realizing that I really struggle with doubting myself and feelings of inadequacy. I set my sights way too high and am not good at being practical. Monday I was feeling incredibly stressed and had a mental breakdown before lunch. I want to be a perfect missionary now, and clearly I am not at that stage, nor will that ever be really possible in this life... Haha. Hermana Livingston took me outside and she gave me the most amazing talk. I felt like I still have so much to do to improve myself and I literally have no time. I am already working myself to death. What''s new though? Hermana really comforted me and helped me realize that I already work harder than everyone else, and I need to realize that it's okay to just be okay right now. I should feel like I am accomplishing grand things, because I really am. I felt soooo much better after the talk and my first real cry here. she really testified to me about our work and I know the Lord put her in my life for a reason. I am so blessed. Later that night I almost had two panic attacks. I was unable to get some Spanish work done because I decided I needed to work on doctrine stuff instead. I felt sooo guilty for not getting my work done before class, but I literally did not have time. Nevertheless, I felt like I had let down my Savior. My chest started to tighten up and I was breathing really heavy. It took me right back to first semester of BYU. But I prayed and the Lord saved me once again! I took way too much to heart. I still really struggled with feelings of inadequacy (and still do a tiny bit) but Hermana and I pray for peace in my heart to know that I am doing my best. That night I prayed to know if I had need to do more- if these feelings of really high stress are all in my head, or if they are valid and I am not quite making the Lord proud. My answer came the next morning. My AMAZING teacher, Hermana Valdez shared a talk with us by a man named Lawrence Corbridge called The Fourth Missionary. It talks about the four kinds of missionaries, the last of which is the kind that we want to become. The idea is that the fourth missionary makes his mission easier by making his mission hard. He gives us everything he has- all his desires, all his wants for life, everything, and completely gives up his will to God. He "boxes" up all his thoughts like "what are my friends doing at home??.... I wonder what I want to study in college??... what is my spouse going to be like??... etc." And completely focuses on what the Lord wants at the moment. It's funny because throughout my time here I have found that I feel like Art Therapy may not be the correct path for me. I just don't feel a passion anymore. I realized though that that is subconsciously my Spirit trying to become the fourth missionary. All those thoughts are irrelevant right now! I love it. If you can, read the talk. I might have you put it in a word doc and email it to me sometime. Anyways, it was an amazing answer to my prayer because it showed me that I DO have more things to do! I AM inadequate! I am working myself mentally and physically to death, but not spiritually yet. I can't wait to see the results as I become a number 4. I don't feel as stressed though, and that is a miracle in itself. I feel like things are possible now.
Anyways, the Church is true! Hope things are great and I will email you Monday night.
Les quiero!!
Todos mi amor,
Hermana Dodson
p.s. Remember how I said I had to play mom? Basically I am the District Mom. The Elders use my Tide to go pen waaayyy more than I do, I am always handing out Pepto and Tylenol, etc. Hahaha.
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